"Everything is normal"

I think it's possible to believe everything is both normal and totally wrecked at the same time. 

The activities of my day say that it's normal. It's routine. Kids wake up, get them ready for school, work from home, play with kids in afternoon, dinner, some rest, a little TV, reading, sleep. Normal, right? 

But what's not normal is the thought life underneath all those routine actions. My mind has been totally and irreplaceably altered. Shattered. Not routine. And I'm just getting used to its new normal.

Maybe grief has just made me hyper aware of my thoughts & emotions. How they seem so foreign. I'm glad grief isn't normal. I couldn't imagine. 

I think most of all for me is I'm not sure if my lack of faith is my new normal or just a phase. Like- should I be upset with myself for not feeling bad about a lack of faith? Should I feel shame? Fear? Anxiety? 

its not that I DONT feel those things. I do. I'm just not sure if I should. And I don't feel them all the time. It's a mix between being content and discontent. But as I really ponder on it, hasn't it been that way for most of my life? Just about different subjects? Maybe not directly about what I believe to be true about God, but I think the wrestling has always been there. 

I want to stay a good dad. I don't want to be outwardly cynical. I want my wife, kids, and friends to be perfectly happy in their relationship with God. I don't want my skepticism deflating their faith. I'd much rather be "on fire" myself. It would be an easier transition back to who I was. But like the quote I read early on said, after midlife trauma you must admit "I am dead. The old me is no longer here. Who am I going to be now?" 

I'm desiring a new life. Fresh faith & peace. But I don't see it on the horizon. Kinda one of those "fool me once, fool me twice" scenarios. Hard to believe the presence of God will return when he kinda peaced out at the neediest point of life. 

But I'm still holding on that he might. Just maybe.