No fresh beginnings

God damnit man! It's like there is some supernatural force that just won't allow me to have fresh beginnings.

We go out for our 9th anniversary last night and leave money for the babysitter to order food. Evidently Jimmy John's doesn't deliver to our house, so she texts me asking if she should take the kids in the van to go get food. I reply within 8 minutes of her text saying that she shouldn't take the van & could just order pizza, Chinese, or any other thing that delivers to our house.

My reasoning was that it's a hassle to load the kids in the van. I had no clue that it would turn out worse than just a hassle for our babysitter.

She texts me back over 30 minutes later saying she didn't see the text & ended up getting Jimmy Johns in the car. And this...

"Not to concern you but is there a trick to getting your key out of the ignition?"

Uh. What? No. There's not a trick. Here was my response...

"Haha. No worries. Did you make it back inside? We can get the key out when we get home. No real trick but maybe you didn't turn it all the way back or maybe back too far"

Her reply...

"Are you sure? Yes we made it back inside I'll try it again in a little bit, I feel so bad I'm so sorry"

I finish with...

"Don't worry. I'll get it out when we get home."

Well, ends up she gets the key out herself, but mentions something about the van not starting as she's leaving when we get home.

Next morning, we get the kids in the car & Kristina is about to take me to my physical therapy appointment & the van won't start. It goes all whacky. Battery is giving power to van, but dashboard is spinning wildly, loud clicks coming from under the hood. Just not good stuff.

I try our other set of keys. Nothing better.

Call to cancel my appointment. Tell Kristina to take the kids inside. Start googling.

I assume it's the anti-theft feature of the van, but I can't be sure. I tried all the things I could find on the internet to get it to start... with no luck.

All I know is that I was taking the mindset that this year of marriage couldn't possibly be worse than last year of marriage. And not that a van not starting is the worst thing in the world, it's just that it's frustrating as hell. Any time I get a fresh mindset & positive outlook, something shitty happens.

Last February - Kristina & I get really reignited spiritually & feel like our hearts are coming alive. 3 weeks later we have Ezekiel's first ultrasound and our world crashes in.

After Ezekiel's birth/death - I try to take on the mindset of looking at the bigger picture. Thinking about vision for life. How I want to invest myself toward greater things. A few days after those resolutions, I feel like my faith is just ripped out from under me like a rug & I haven't been the same since.

New Year - I approach the new year with a more positive outlook. Make initial strides to eat healthy & exercise in the first week, then I rupture my Achilles tendon. Can't walk or drive for months.

Now in a new year of marriage - I believe in the goodness of this year of marriage. To move past some of the frustrations & sadness of our last year of marriage. And it literally immediately starts with something frustrating.

Maybe life is just a god-damned shitstorm. It's definitely not getting easier, and I'm starting to get tired of believing things will get better.