Cast off

I got my cast off today after 5 weeks of not being able to walk. I now have a "walking" boot but still can't walk on it. Just light pressure while using crutches. 

i thought I'd be more excited about getting the cast off but it just felt defeating again to know there's at least another 4 weeks ahead until I can really walk or drive.

i just kinda wanted to cry all day but couldn't find the breaking point. The whole thing just fits into the narrative of the last year. Defeat and disappointment. 

I want to be able to have a different view of things but so much just keeps coming back to defeat and disappointment. Even going to the doctor today and they say my bill is over $250 because it is part of the insurance deductible. Although I've paid $60 in copay for each of the 3 visit so far. So that's already $400 down the drain for bills. $20 for crutches. $120 for the knee scooter. Now I've got 12 physical therapy sessions with a $35 copay each. All told, that's $950, several months of not being able to walk or easily help at home, and several more months of rehab.

I keep telling myself that it could be worse. And it can. Life isn't completely off the rails. I can see the bright side. But I also have to acknowledge the shitty side. And I'm getting tired of being acquainted so well with the shitty side!